Fear in a Handful of Dust

Cancer is a scary word.

When it's used in reference to someone you know casually, it's scary.

When it's used in reference to someone you are close to, it's terrifying.

When it's used in reference to someone who carries your soul in their pocket, terrifying is too mild a word.

She went to the emergency room on Monday, December 3 because the pain in her side made it hard to breathe. They found spots on her lungs, one of them large.

Tuesday the 4th was our anniversary. I've had her for 14 years now, and I'm afraid that I may not have much more time with her.

Afraid means I've never been more scared in my life.

I will be strong. For her.
I will do anything for her.

Her doctor called her on Thursday the 6th to come in, without an appointment. I held her as she sobbed into my chest, and pushed my own helplessness and tears down where she couldn't see them, as he confirmed the diagnosis and set up the appointments with the oncologist.

I will be strong. For her.
I will do anything for her.

She went to the oncologist on Friday. He says that chemo and radiation therapy should knock the tumors right down, and that she will be back to her old self in 7 weeks. She is upbeat and happy at this news.

I think about an article I read while researching that says sometimes chemo and radiation therapy fails. I keep it to myself.

I will be strong. For her.
I will do anything for her.

Yesterday she went in to get the tumors mapped. She starts the treatments on Monday. I will take care of things around the house, work schedule permitting, and keep a happy face on.

I will cherish each and every moment with her, realizing that while I thought I was doing so before, I really wasn't.

I will suppress my fears and not let them show. I will not show any sign of hopelessness or despair. I will use my blog, which she thinks is kinda silly and doesn't read, as my outlet instead of burdening her with my insecurities.

I will be strong. For her.
I will do anything for her.

And I will pray for Mr. Fixit. Because he is riding the same roller coaster through the darkness that I am.